We hope for great things at Christmas. Songs, movies, books and adverts all promise us a time filled with miracles, laughter, delicate snowflakes, non-itchy wool jumpers and romantic groping in front of open log fires. We grow up thinking that magic is real and even when Santa turns out to be a big fat fraud, we continue to believe that there is still something wondrous afoot. We have hope.
As a rule, Christmas is a time for bringing out the best in people; for coming together and remembering that people are intrinsically good. However, it’s also it a time where everyone secretly becomes a spoiled brat, and the only special snowflake you’re likely to find is yourself.
So just for one moment, let’s be brats and whine about why Christmas might actually not be the most wonderful time of the year.
Let’s face it, any time of the year where people spend weeks thinking what gifts other people would like to receive is pretty wonderful. Until you actually open them. I mean, we spent most of the year on social media shouting “WANT!” at things, hoping that someone will take the hint. They don’t.
You wanted skincare products and you got a mulled spice candle and some bedsocks.
There will be no Christmas engagement planned. There will be no morning sex with someone whose toothbrush lives beside yours. There will be no snuggling up to watch Die Hard with someone wearing reindeer antlers, who truly believes that you might just be the best human being on the planet. You get none of this. Of course, if you’re happy about being single, then starfish that empty bed until New Year, friend.
Every second post will be a hand selfie with a diamond ring and a nauseating hashtag. The other posts will be reminders that there are people in the world that have a reason to be miserable and that you are a horrible person for caring more about that bloody mulled spice candle. Which is true. On the bright side, you’ll be inundated with gifs of cats destroying Christmas trees. Always a winner.
If you have them, you’ve spent weeks saving and buying them overpriced toys which they will play with until New Year. If you don’t have them, you might have to buy them for someone else’s ungrateful offspring.
That said, the very first squeal they make when they realise that Santa has been, makes it all worth it. It means you did good.
If Christmas isn’t the most wonderful time of the year then it’s probably because you’re a miserable sod. Perhaps a break from whinging will do you good? Perhaps you should put on some bed socks, light a mulled spice candle and give a little squeal on Christmas morning.
And by you, I mean me.
Joanna’s latest book is a hilarious and heartwarming Christmas comedy that’ll have you chucking well into the New Year. The Most Wonderful Time of the Year is out now.
If you liked this post then you should definitely catch up on more cracking guest blogs from Jo…