Free Extract: Amazing Disgrace by Grace Campbell

DICKHEADS ANONYMOUS

MATTHEW, TOM, JOE and WILL (Grace’s rejectors) are at Dickheads Anonymous, a support group for recovering dickheads.

TOM
Welcome to Dickheads Anonymous, guys. My name is Tom, and I am a dickhead.

BOYS COLLECTIVELY

Hi, Tom.

TOM looks at MATTHEW’s shirt.

TOM
That’s a nice shirt, Matthew. Where is it from . . . Gap?

MATTHEW
No, it’s from Zara men’s.

TOM
Zara men’s! How European of you.

MATTHEW

Thanks.

TOM
So, last week, Matthew, you really opened up to us . . . and I feel a lot of progress was made. You admitted that you have had a tendency to stand women up in the past because you’ve been so insecure about your penis size . . . How have you been feeling since you let these feelings out last week?

MATTHEW
I’ve felt better since then. I actually went home and measured my penis. Turns out I had a bit of dysmorphia about it. It was more like an avocado.

JOE
Your dick’s the size of an avocado?

MATTHEW
The length of an avocado, yeah.

JOE
What about the girth?

TOM
That’s great news, Matthew. Good for you. Avocados are a superfood, too.

MATTHEW
I think I need to remember what my piano teacher used to tell me: it’s not the float in the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean.

TOM
I think it’s size of the boat.

MATTHEW

What?

TOM
It’s not about the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the- never mind. What about you, Joe?

JOE
Well, I’ve been thinking a lot about what I said last week. I’ve been trying to work out why I cheated on Sophie, my ex.

TOM
What have you been thinking?

JOE
I realized that the girl I cheated on Sophie with reminded me so much of Sophie when I first met her.

TOM
You think you cheated on your girlfriend because she reminded you of your girlfriend?

MATTHEW
Why didn’t you just get with your girlfriend?

JOE
Because it was like Sophie in the early days, when she was all unhinged.

TOM
I’m afraid that’s not a real excuse.

JOE
What do you mean?

TOM
You can’t excuse cheating by saying that the person was like Sophie 1.0. The beauty of this group is that we know that once you come here, you’re on a journey towards never being a dickhead anymore. The closer you get to your truth, the further the dick will be from your head. TOM hints towards WILL, who has been silent up until now.

TOM
We also have a new member today. Boys, this is Will.

BOYS COLLECTIVELY

Hi, Will.

TOM
Will, do you want to share something with the group? Why have you come here today?

WILL
Same as you guys, to talk about Grace Campbell.

MATTHEW
We’re not here to talk about Grace Campbell.

TOM
Well, we can today, if Will wants to share something.

JOE
Wait, who’s Grace Campbell?

MATTHEW
She’s Alastair Campbell’s daughter.

TOM
Okay, she’s also a comedian in her own right, Matthew.

WILL
Well, she never made me laugh. She just talks about fanny farts and edibles and how jealous she was of Tony Blair.

MATTHEW
Well, comedy is very objective.

JOE
Ohhhh, I remember her. Yeah, she was a lot. She had crazy eyes.

WILL
Was??? She’s still a lot. That bitch is writing a book about me without my permission.

JOE
Are you a comedian, too?

WILL
No, I’m a chef.

TOM
I don’t think she’s writing a book about you.

WILL
Of course she’s writing a book about me. She’s gonna write all about how I fucked her over. She’s so self- absorbed it makes me want to get on my knees and lick the pavement.

MATTHEW
I’m confused, how do you know her?

WILL
We used to fuck. It was always casual, but she didn’t think it was. I mean, I should have seen it coming. When I met her I could see she was a little crazy. But at first I found that energy sexy.

TOM
Mmmm, fetishising mental health. Not filling me with hope.

WILL
But she was just into me so quickly, and she was too honest about that, and I don’t like it when people decide they’re in love after meeting me a few times.

MATTHEW
That doesn’t make any sense.

WILL
Why? Why would I want to know instantly that I can have someone? What’s fun about that?

MATTHEW
Because honesty is quite healthy.

WILL
So are avocados, but I don’t eat them.

JOE
Well, not after today’s update.

TOM
Look, now that we’re on the subject, I know that we all have experiences with Grace Campbell, and we don’t need to talk about it. But I’ll admit it, too: I was a dickhead to Grace. I lied to her. I told her I was dating a model because I didn’t want to go to the cinema with her.

WILL
God, that’s brilliant, bet that made her feel like shit.

TOM
But it wasn’t like that. I liked Grace as a person, but I was in love with my neighbour and I thought I had a chance with him. Then he rejected me, so I guess that’s karma. Anyway, Grace and I are friends now. I met her again years later, after I’d come out, and I think she’s a boss.

WILL
She’s not a boss. She’s a dickhead. I thought that’s what this group was about.

TOM
This group is for us.

WILL
For us to talk about what a dickhead Grace Campbell is. I thought this was a support group for people who are being fucked over by her shitty little book.

MATTHEW
No, this is for us to talk about how we’ve been dickheads to women.

WILL
I’m not a dickhead.

JOE
You’re wearing a supreme hoodie.