In an ideal world my kids would do as they were asked and I would always keep my cool. But I’m not built that way, my patience is a little on the low side and there are only so many times I can tolerate ‘But what’s your favourite Star Wars ship Mummy?’ type questions in response to ‘Could you please brush your teeth?’ – before I start losing the will to live.
But there is one thing that always works . . .
If I was ever going to write a proper parenting manual this would be the one . . .
Are you finding it difficult to control a wilful child? Are you fed up with buying parenting book after parenting book and still feeling like an utter twat? Would you like to bitch-slap Supernanny into the middle of next week?
Then why not try . . .
Parenting With Biscuits! It promises you happy, compliant and flexible children with a simple ‘Just
Add Biscuits’ (#JAB) approach.
- Won’t let you brush their hair? #JAB
- Feeling too sick to go to school? #JAB
- Refusing to get in the buggy/car? #JAB
- Doing a wee wee dance but saying they don’t needthe toilet? #JAB
- Repeatedly singing ‘Let it Go’ in a skincrawlingly annoying voice? #JAB
Still a little confused? Don’t worry, the world is made up of people with varying intelligence levels. We answer your stupid FAQs here:
Q: My kids whine all the time and it does my head in. What should I do?
A: Stick biscuits in their gobs.
Q: My daughter won’t eat her vegetables.
A: Yes, because they are not biscuits. Try biscuits!
Q: My son says he doesn’t like school any more . . .
A: I bet he likes biscuits though! Think about it . . .
Q: Your method works great until the inevitable sugar crash . . .
A: This only happens if you stop giving biscuits.
Q: What is the best method for dealing with tantrums?
A: Stand well back and repeatedly hurl chocolate Hobnobs until everything goes silent.
Q: Have you ever considered that bribing children into submission is just a temporary fix? I like my kids to behave because they know it’s the right thing to do!
A: Fuck off you smug bastard.
Q: What if—?
Q: Should I—?
A: Yes. Biscuits.
A: What part of this are you not getting you daft bint?! JUST ADD BISCUITS.