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The ‘Hurrah for Gin’ Guide to Parenting with Biscuits

In an ideal world my kids would do as they were asked and I would always keep my cool. But I’m not built that way, my patience is a little on the low side and there are only so many times I can tolerate ‘But what’s your favourite Star Wars ship Mummy?’ type questions in response to ‘Could you please brush your teeth?’ – before I start losing the will to live.

But there is one thing that always works . . .


If I was ever going to write a proper parenting manual this would be the one . . .

Are you finding it difficult to control a wilful child? Are you fed up with buying parenting book after parenting book and still feeling like an utter twat? Would you like to bitch-slap Supernanny into the middle of next week?

Then why not try . . .

Parenting With Biscuits! It promises you happy, compliant and flexible children with a simple ‘Just

Add Biscuits’ (#JAB) approach.

  • Won’t let you brush their hair? #JAB
  • Feeling too sick to go to school? #JAB
  • Refusing to get in the buggy/car? #JAB
  • Doing a wee wee dance but saying they don’t needthe toilet? #JAB
  • Repeatedly singing ‘Let it Go’ in a skincrawlingly annoying voice? #JAB

Still a little confused? Don’t worry, the world is made up of people with varying intelligence levels. We answer your stupid FAQs here:

Q: My kids whine all the time and it does my head in. What should I do?

A: Stick biscuits in their gobs.


Q: My daughter won’t eat her vegetables.

A: Yes, because they are not biscuits. Try biscuits!


Q: My son says he doesn’t like school any more . . .

A: I bet he likes biscuits though! Think about it . . .


Q: Your method works great until the inevitable sugar crash . . .

A: This only happens if you stop giving biscuits.


Q: What is the best method for dealing with tantrums?

A: Stand well back and repeatedly hurl chocolate Hobnobs until everything goes silent.


Q: Have you ever considered that bribing children into submission is just a temporary fix? I like my kids to behave because they know it’s the right thing to do!

A: Fuck off you smug bastard.


Q: What if—?

A: Biscuits


Q: Should I—?

A: Yes. Biscuits.


Q: But—

A: What part of this are you not getting you daft bint?! JUST ADD BISCUITS.